Love goes on anyway...

It is that part of the year, where life wins again and brings with it a hue of smile and cheer. It's raining my love... the monsoons have made their presence felt. I am sitting on our bench in our park and as I am looking towards you. Gentle raindrops keep falling on my face and weirdly it feels like your cold nose touching me while kissing. As I close my eyes and smell rain, I can listen you telling me, "how the smell of rain is God's way of showering the nectar of divinity. So us mortals can feel invincible." I so loathe your usage of superfluous words....
As you may have already noticed Jethro isn't with me... This has been our personal moment and I intend to keep it that way. How's Jethro?? He is every bit of MAD dog as you remember. He is good and has matured a lot in the past few months no I'm not kidding. He still has his moment of madness though, few days back only when I woke up I found our bed was completely covered by pillow feather, and what was left of that pillow was being chewed by Jethro.
I was so furious at him that I rolled a paper and rushed to him watching which he ran to dinning table and ducked under it..... I thought I heard you saying "Don't hit him." I saw his eyes ..... you remember how innocent can they be... watching 'em, I threw the paper. He gently rested his head on my feet... you know I couldn't help myself. I picked him up and we cried. Poor Kid is alone all the time and I cannot do anything, I can't even take him to my office. You know he misses you a lot, almost daily I catch him sitting beneath your photo looking at you. Don't worry about him honey, I take good care of him and he really has matured and you can take my words for that. Maybe his annoying you and his growing up is just his way to show you that he misses you.
Ma called today she feels I should leave this city as it only reminds me of you ... I told her I need time. She is now assured that I'm eating and sleeping healthily after her last visit. On the other hand your Mom is getting impossible she calls daily and keeps an eye on me like watch dog... she feels I will Kill Myself!!!!


Don't they see I am doing all that I can do! Tell me honestly am I not trying? Can't they see I just miss you too much and I want to mourn, you not being here? I lost my wife damn it. Neither was I there to hold you nor I did  I say a thing to you, you were just taken away from me. Not that it would have made a difference, but I couldn't even look at you once......
Looking back I want to do so many things, I should've taken you on a vacation, should've taken you out on a movie every weekend rather than watching football and explaining it to you. I should've kids with you which you wanted but never asked me. Now I feel we could have squeezed our expenses and could easily manage to have kids. But nothing can be done now..... Our home looks so empty everything is just the same except the one who made it home isn't there any more...
Worst are these recurring thoughts what if I had went shopping with you like everyday or why I didn't go with you. Why was I so busy, why you couldn't wait for me? Why was that car coming so fast... all my questions have only one answer. That answer which fails to console me.. Maybe it was your time.... it's so easy to say that but so difficult to live with it....
I am going kids are coming to play and all they remind me is of you and our kids. One which we never had, one with whom you could play with, one you could love. I guess it will be sometime before I can be normal in front of a kid. The other day that cute kid with whom you played a lot asked me why aren't you coming any more... I told him you are away. Maybe it still hasn't sunk in that you are gone or maybe I cannot tell the world that I'm left alone now........................ Jethro is alone I must go home........................... Tell me something will I ever be normal again, will I ever be able to laugh? Will I ever be able to....... You know what's the worst part unlike the times you used to go away before , I know this time you won't come back.

Life....

High hopes never lead you anywhere, so you as well might try coming back to life. 

Ode to the one I have known..

The chill in the air, tells me,
The snail, I will always be
What is, and could be will never stop to haunt me.
Like a sailors taedium  'cause of ocean
A grown ups nostalgia for innocence.
My life will always be a void without you
Though my mind wants you to grow.
To set on happiness all alone
My heart it weeps at the thought of forlorn...

Angela

In the midst of this wilderness, there is a thought to which I am prone.

For what I've done??

Living my life in this world, in which we all want to be mannequin clone.

How we do forget... in the sense of original we are none.

In the midst of this beauty, I want everything to be undone!!

For my life seems to be in Gloom.

When I see the Sun and the Bud in its Bloom.

Hurt!!

Today when I woke up, out of no where I had this huge yearn to listen to HURT! by Johnny Cash. Remembering how few months back I had just you tubed this song and failed to download it (Hurt being my companion for many low months in my life). I first buffered it on you tube and then buffered the Nine Inch Nail's original song which had been recommended by a dear friend to me few months back. Needless to say I downloaded both of them and being very similar to each other I saw very distinctive allures to the two songs and not the obvious parallels.

I'll start with the Immortal Johnny Cash's cover. This was the version which I heard first and till yesterday I thought it was original(my friend failing to mention NiN's version is the original). Coming back to Cash's rendition, the way it starts is just decisive!! How the opening notes and the way they are played shreds your soul into many discomfiting fragments of wastage. One soul who at the fag end of his life realises that all his accomplishments mounted to nothing, as his life is incomplete without his loved ones who are all now forever gone. With no shoulder to cry on, no one to console and absolutely no one to make him laugh all that is left now is memory. Memory which with each passing day is turning into a misery. The crest of this song to me would be the way its flowing evenly  and with very simple chords and notes how Johnny Cash has described the most sublime complexity of life!!!

Coming to Nine Inch Nail's Version. this song is morose and it highlights the insipid meandering of life especially when you earn your bread doing something you love... how at times you feel life is too shallow and feel there  is not the same love and feeling that drew you towards your passion in the first place.It resonates the droopy nature and loneliness of stardom. How after being successful you become suspicious and world becomes precarious. How folks around you are judged by you as you've lost the thing called trust... and even in a gathering you feel you are all alone. How standing in the bright spotlight you realise you are not what you were in the beginning .. how your motives have completely changed. How as a kid all you ever wanted to do was a write a lovely song and how you were busy searching for that song. You wonder how it has drifted from love and changed into the sad aspect of commerce. How you just aim and hope that this album be better than the one before.. How you have been deprived the wings of creativity and are dictated by record labels to produce stuff which makes big buck!!

Though both describe the shallow aspects of life and how hollow it is and the way it looses its meaning if you fail to find your near and dear ones right beside you.Johnny Cash's version is a parting gift to the world.... a eulogy to himself. While Trent Reznor's version is a mocking question to himself as to where is the love and how he has to check his priority list every time he wakes up and live by it.There is no doubt that Cash's version is better with even Trent accepting it but we cannot discount the genius of Trent , for the success of Cash's version lies primarily on the fact that Cash utilized and adhered to all the compositional attributes, lyrics of  Trent.

 Cash on the other hand has to be credited for the definitive tone of finality in his song. While Trent aimed for that unknown unexplainable numb pain, Cash chose the silencing sorrow of life. Cash being and icon of bygone era and a genre altogether different worked his Midas touch on an already golden song which was abstract song and brought to it  the marrow of life and turned it into diamond. Trent just spoke of his pain which no one can see in his stardom and how even after living the dream he is all alone. Both of these versions are equally appealing to me and I am just lucky to have lived in the time to see these two Maestros!!!