Confessions!!!!!... of a frustrated artist.

Ever since I had this realisation that I don't want to be an engineer and I want to be in a creative field it has been even more of an uphill task than it was to make my parents come to the fact that I didn't want to be engineer I wanted to be in a creative field, I surely knew it was going to be difficult but now I know the extent of unhappiness.

In the beginning however it was so merry, I was so happy and it was as if I wanted to be the next Howard Roark... I didn't mind the struggle nor do I mind the fact that I shut myself, from the world when I am on a creative high tide and I never really mind what people think about me trust me they think real shit still I am the way, the way I want to be!! I say what I feel and most of it I still have my honesty with me as I speak truth, I don't speak sugar coated lies just to develop on some networking. Its part and parcel of the game I guess. And I have really no qualms about how my life is going.. It's pretty good I must say.

What I have seen in this creative world is not WYSIWYG (What You See Is What You Get), Rather just the opposite. What you can sell is what you get!! Is it really possible to sell yourself by not being that good and creating a hype and hoopla around you... are people totally blind not to see through it so far that I have seen they are but still arts is "Holier than thou" at least for me and I won't advertise my work if it's any good it will find a way to its buyers rather deservers. This draped vision of society hurts a bit but not that much society has forever been shitty.

However you know what hurts the most is when your progress is hampered not by the lack of your efforts or your lack of imagination. It hurts the most when you have both but you don't have the means to express it, in my case a camera and a guitar, To top it off what burns your ass and your bile is when a person with an average talent comes steals the limelight and the whole world says that he was the first and appreciate it so much that he is in turn made a god. It absolutely crushes you when people around you are so talented and yet are laggards because of lack of the expensive cameras and processors. How easy it is for some dim-witted jackass to make an album labelled XYZ Photography, just as his dad can afford to buy him a DSLR or a Jackson King V, as for me I am just dependent on my father and have a strong apprehension to ask any more things from dad. I cannot ask for guitar or a camera and so I am not content but honing my skill with written words.. So far in this struggle of patience that good things will come my way come what may has turned out to be pestilence. YES I am jealous not because he is getting attention but I am getting irritated at my meandering life and I am angry because he is doing it the wrong way!!

Also I have this huge fear that I am now slowly approaching the Creativity Nadir, I don't believe in it but what if it's true ??

And all my plans, compromised

All my dreams, sacrificed

I don't want this end for me, I know it won't be, For I will continue my struggle till I grab what I deserve. But you know...... no matter how much I try to make my heart understand it, there is this clear and present monster of Insecurity lurking beneath me... to sum up my or any struggling artists mental and emotional state I am borrowing lines from The Rolling Stones: "It's note easy facing when your whole world is painted black."

All those time when you just want to explode.....

Growing up I never realised myself to be really bright or intelligent, on the contrary growing up in Bhilai and studying in DPS I had long realised the fact that I have to be smart rather than being intelligent in this mean old world, in order to dilute its Cruel Materialism. I saw so many bright people around me that I started fostering a doubt; "May be I am not so intelligent,"

So I grew up with this rationalization that people maybe a lot more intelligent than me, a thinking which my family has always put to fore in our life and I appreciate it.

Anyway I grew up got confused, screwed up my education ended up hating the dreams that I had borrowed from others for others. Realised that these dreams weren't mine and in time changed my path. However I increasingly grew angry and irritated at myself and at the world, especially when I see stupidity and lame ass jerks around me. it might be due to the fact that the years that I lost took toll on me or maybe I am just a pissed off person, I really don't care. Bit you know what royally pisses me off is when a person comes up with really stupid remark, especially for a person who you cannot emulate in your 100 lives.

Sadly being born in India I have come across many such Wise Men. Maybe I am one of those myself too but as fat as I can remember I never made any wise as comments such as this is called batting when the runs scored are from byes which even an American would know are counted as extras, or Sachin's innings in IPL Finals where he played with five stitches in his webbing now even for a cricketer holding a bat with 5 stitches on hand is not a joke and to score 48 with it tells what a great player he is, or had it not been for him MI wouldn't have been in finals. I mean had anyone else been in Sachin's he would have gladly sit out and nursed his injury but Morons are always there aaarrrggghhhh!!!

Anyway chuck it!! Drifting through life I realised this fact that Intelligent people are as rare as extinct or Intelligence is iota of knowledge. Also I realised I am not compatible with majority of people out of the compatible few, one is Digvijay.... for others it's better that I say less. But still I cannot wonder I mean how anyone can afford to be such a dimwit in today's succulent times. Didn't they go to school??? I reached to one conclusion and that is in today's time only a fool can live happily and has majority.

Sane people like Digvijay have their ignorance, fools have their irritating presence...... and few fiery and passionate people like me have their annoyed existence due to acknowledgement of morons. I am quiet merry in my books, music and films as people don't really appreciate honesty truths and the fact that they are jerk. How so ever intelligent I am, I have yet to master the art to ignore them for in my ignorance lies my happiness or the acceptance of foolishness in world and the celebration of foolishness.

Acknowledgement is my vice and I shall cruciFIX it!!!