It is that part of the year, where life wins again and brings with it a hue of smile and cheer. It's raining my love... the monsoons have made their presence felt. I am sitting on our bench in our park and as I am looking towards you. Gentle raindrops keep falling on my face and weirdly it feels like your cold nose touching me while kissing. As I close my eyes and smell rain, I can listen you telling me, "how the smell of rain is God's way of showering the nectar of divinity. So us mortals can feel invincible." I so loathe your usage of superfluous words....
As you may have already noticed Jethro isn't with me... This has been our personal moment and I intend to keep it that way. How's Jethro?? He is every bit of MAD dog as you remember. He is good and has matured a lot in the past few months no I'm not kidding. He still has his moment of madness though, few days back only when I woke up I found our bed was completely covered by pillow feather, and what was left of that pillow was being chewed by Jethro.
I was so furious at him that I rolled a paper and rushed to him watching which he ran to dinning table and ducked under it..... I thought I heard you saying "Don't hit him." I saw his eyes ..... you remember how innocent can they be... watching 'em, I threw the paper. He gently rested his head on my feet... you know I couldn't help myself. I picked him up and we cried. Poor Kid is alone all the time and I cannot do anything, I can't even take him to my office. You know he misses you a lot, almost daily I catch him sitting beneath your photo looking at you. Don't worry about him honey, I take good care of him and he really has matured and you can take my words for that. Maybe his annoying you and his growing up is just his way to show you that he misses you.
Ma called today she feels I should leave this city as it only reminds me of you ... I told her I need time. She is now assured that I'm eating and sleeping healthily after her last visit. On the other hand your Mom is getting impossible she calls daily and keeps an eye on me like watch dog... she feels I will Kill Myself!!!!
Don't they see I am doing all that I can do! Tell me honestly am I not trying? Can't they see I just miss you too much and I want to mourn, you not being here? I lost my wife damn it. Neither was I there to hold you nor I did I say a thing to you, you were just taken away from me. Not that it would have made a difference, but I couldn't even look at you once......
Looking back I want to do so many things, I should've taken you on a vacation, should've taken you out on a movie every weekend rather than watching football and explaining it to you. I should've kids with you which you wanted but never asked me. Now I feel we could have squeezed our expenses and could easily manage to have kids. But nothing can be done now..... Our home looks so empty everything is just the same except the one who made it home isn't there any more...
Worst are these recurring thoughts what if I had went shopping with you like everyday or why I didn't go with you. Why was I so busy, why you couldn't wait for me? Why was that car coming so fast... all my questions have only one answer. That answer which fails to console me.. Maybe it was your time.... it's so easy to say that but so difficult to live with it....
I am going kids are coming to play and all they remind me is of you and our kids. One which we never had, one with whom you could play with, one you could love. I guess it will be sometime before I can be normal in front of a kid. The other day that cute kid with whom you played a lot asked me why aren't you coming any more... I told him you are away. Maybe it still hasn't sunk in that you are gone or maybe I cannot tell the world that I'm left alone now........................ Jethro is alone I must go home........................... Tell me something will I ever be normal again, will I ever be able to laugh? Will I ever be able to....... You know what's the worst part unlike the times you used to go away before , I know this time you won't come back.
As you may have already noticed Jethro isn't with me... This has been our personal moment and I intend to keep it that way. How's Jethro?? He is every bit of MAD dog as you remember. He is good and has matured a lot in the past few months no I'm not kidding. He still has his moment of madness though, few days back only when I woke up I found our bed was completely covered by pillow feather, and what was left of that pillow was being chewed by Jethro.
I was so furious at him that I rolled a paper and rushed to him watching which he ran to dinning table and ducked under it..... I thought I heard you saying "Don't hit him." I saw his eyes ..... you remember how innocent can they be... watching 'em, I threw the paper. He gently rested his head on my feet... you know I couldn't help myself. I picked him up and we cried. Poor Kid is alone all the time and I cannot do anything, I can't even take him to my office. You know he misses you a lot, almost daily I catch him sitting beneath your photo looking at you. Don't worry about him honey, I take good care of him and he really has matured and you can take my words for that. Maybe his annoying you and his growing up is just his way to show you that he misses you.
Ma called today she feels I should leave this city as it only reminds me of you ... I told her I need time. She is now assured that I'm eating and sleeping healthily after her last visit. On the other hand your Mom is getting impossible she calls daily and keeps an eye on me like watch dog... she feels I will Kill Myself!!!!
Don't they see I am doing all that I can do! Tell me honestly am I not trying? Can't they see I just miss you too much and I want to mourn, you not being here? I lost my wife damn it. Neither was I there to hold you nor I did I say a thing to you, you were just taken away from me. Not that it would have made a difference, but I couldn't even look at you once......
Looking back I want to do so many things, I should've taken you on a vacation, should've taken you out on a movie every weekend rather than watching football and explaining it to you. I should've kids with you which you wanted but never asked me. Now I feel we could have squeezed our expenses and could easily manage to have kids. But nothing can be done now..... Our home looks so empty everything is just the same except the one who made it home isn't there any more...
Worst are these recurring thoughts what if I had went shopping with you like everyday or why I didn't go with you. Why was I so busy, why you couldn't wait for me? Why was that car coming so fast... all my questions have only one answer. That answer which fails to console me.. Maybe it was your time.... it's so easy to say that but so difficult to live with it....
I am going kids are coming to play and all they remind me is of you and our kids. One which we never had, one with whom you could play with, one you could love. I guess it will be sometime before I can be normal in front of a kid. The other day that cute kid with whom you played a lot asked me why aren't you coming any more... I told him you are away. Maybe it still hasn't sunk in that you are gone or maybe I cannot tell the world that I'm left alone now........................ Jethro is alone I must go home........................... Tell me something will I ever be normal again, will I ever be able to laugh? Will I ever be able to....... You know what's the worst part unlike the times you used to go away before , I know this time you won't come back.
