Confessions!!!!!... of a frustrated artist.

Ever since I had this realisation that I don't want to be an engineer and I want to be in a creative field it has been even more of an uphill task than it was to make my parents come to the fact that I didn't want to be engineer I wanted to be in a creative field, I surely knew it was going to be difficult but now I know the extent of unhappiness.

In the beginning however it was so merry, I was so happy and it was as if I wanted to be the next Howard Roark... I didn't mind the struggle nor do I mind the fact that I shut myself, from the world when I am on a creative high tide and I never really mind what people think about me trust me they think real shit still I am the way, the way I want to be!! I say what I feel and most of it I still have my honesty with me as I speak truth, I don't speak sugar coated lies just to develop on some networking. Its part and parcel of the game I guess. And I have really no qualms about how my life is going.. It's pretty good I must say.

What I have seen in this creative world is not WYSIWYG (What You See Is What You Get), Rather just the opposite. What you can sell is what you get!! Is it really possible to sell yourself by not being that good and creating a hype and hoopla around you... are people totally blind not to see through it so far that I have seen they are but still arts is "Holier than thou" at least for me and I won't advertise my work if it's any good it will find a way to its buyers rather deservers. This draped vision of society hurts a bit but not that much society has forever been shitty.

However you know what hurts the most is when your progress is hampered not by the lack of your efforts or your lack of imagination. It hurts the most when you have both but you don't have the means to express it, in my case a camera and a guitar, To top it off what burns your ass and your bile is when a person with an average talent comes steals the limelight and the whole world says that he was the first and appreciate it so much that he is in turn made a god. It absolutely crushes you when people around you are so talented and yet are laggards because of lack of the expensive cameras and processors. How easy it is for some dim-witted jackass to make an album labelled XYZ Photography, just as his dad can afford to buy him a DSLR or a Jackson King V, as for me I am just dependent on my father and have a strong apprehension to ask any more things from dad. I cannot ask for guitar or a camera and so I am not content but honing my skill with written words.. So far in this struggle of patience that good things will come my way come what may has turned out to be pestilence. YES I am jealous not because he is getting attention but I am getting irritated at my meandering life and I am angry because he is doing it the wrong way!!

Also I have this huge fear that I am now slowly approaching the Creativity Nadir, I don't believe in it but what if it's true ??

And all my plans, compromised

All my dreams, sacrificed

I don't want this end for me, I know it won't be, For I will continue my struggle till I grab what I deserve. But you know...... no matter how much I try to make my heart understand it, there is this clear and present monster of Insecurity lurking beneath me... to sum up my or any struggling artists mental and emotional state I am borrowing lines from The Rolling Stones: "It's note easy facing when your whole world is painted black."